This word is just not sexy to me. It just isn’t!

Y’all we need to talk. I have a confession to make. As a sex positive individual, this might come as a shock to you. But I am going to say it anyway, because I believe in honesty. Even though it pains me to say it (or write it) publicly. I am going to do it. Are you ready? Okay. I hate the word horny. Hate it. I like the meaning behind it, but the actual word feels completely unsexy.

Here is the Merriam Webster Dictionary definition of horny:

1. Of or made of horn
2. Having horns
3. Desiring sexual gratification
4. Sexually aroused

 Perhaps it is because I do not want my sexual lexicon to involve horns. (Maybe Vikings. Maybe. But that is off-topic.) Perhaps it is because horny makes me think of farm animals, and bestiality is on my never-going-to-try list. Perhaps it is because the word makes me think of Middle School, which was a dark time for us all. Perhaps it is because horny feels vulgar. (Although I doubt that is it. Really.) Perhaps it is because horny is a ridiculous word. I don’t really know. I do know that Austin Powers with his British accent and debonair ways could not even save this word for me. 

I DO NOT LIKE IT. (Hopefully, this will not get me kicked out of the sexual health world. I am crossing my fingers. And I have gotten right with it. I will start my own club that celebrates my lexicon boundaries.)

Do y’all have words like this? They are supposed to be all sexy, but they totally fall flat for you. That is really the one that comes to mind for me. I will have to think of other ones. This one is clearly a BIGGIE in my world. 

-          Lauren, Horny user no more!  

Emotional Intimacy AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There are different types of intimacy, and I am incredibly uncomfortable with one of them: EMOTIONAL INTIMACY. Yes, the kind that most girls are really good at; the kind where you bare your deepest truths to people and hope they accept them. I tend to be a very private person (except for when I am writing on this blog apparently). It takes a lot for me to trust anyone. I will not just bare my soul to someone. I am happy to hear someone talk about what is going on with them. I don’t always want to process what is happening in my life. I don’t always share how I am feeling. I don’t like to be vulnerable. It freaks me out.

And then there are times when life takes away your choices and you must trust someone. You must rely on them to support you in your time of need. You must hope that they will be there for you. You must let go of any emotional walls that you have put up. You must be 100% true to yourself, because you have no choice. And you have to give up the idea that there is any shred of mystery left between you and your partner. Because ALL of that is officially over, and everything just got real. This time, my friends, is when you become violently ill while traveling with your partner (or friend, or anyone else).

That happened to me this week. I was so sick that all I could do was lie on the floor outside of the bathroom and crawl into the bathroom when I needed it. There was no decorum. There was no joking. There was no glossing over anything. It was 100% me. Lying on the floor with matted hair, whimpering about death, making sad faces, trying to fight off whatever it was that was trying to kill me. Just me. And I had to let go of my fears and trust someone else to support me in my time of need. You know what? He did.  

   

So maybe I need to give people more credit. Part of accepting all of you is sharing all parts of you, as it feels safe. I think that it’s time for me to do that more. I will be better for it. 

What makes you want to share with people?

-          Lauren, Learning how to share new things, like herself

The tool = the work?

“He who has the tool should do the work.” This is what a friend was told by her partner after sex. (I will amend it to say whoever has the tool should do the work. We will not leave out strap-on dildo wielding women. Not on this blog.) My friend said that she thought this was a brilliant statement. A revelation if you will. After I stopped laughing at his comment, because who wouldn’t laugh at that, I had to really think about it. Whoever has the tool should do the work… I am not so sure about that. 

This is the point in the blog post where I must admit that I have kind of a split personality when it comes to sex. Most of the time I want to give up the power and the control, because I am so dominant in the rest of my life. I run statewide programs. I am the head of my own household. I make things happen for myself. Sex is the time when I can let go. Someone else can take the power. I can guide my partner, but I am not in the driver’s seat.  This is the part of me that appreciates her partner’s sentiment.  

The other part of me wants to wave my finger in his face and say, “Oh hell no. You don’t get to have all of the fun.” This is the part of me who likes to take over. Sometimes I want the power and the control. I want to decide the speed, the angle, the level of intensity. I get to control how the sex goes. 

I am struggling with this one y’all. Obviously the issue is not black and white. And we all have our moments where we want different things from our sex lives. It’s an interesting statement. I just wonder if beliefs like that would lead to someone opting out and just taking it. Or lead to someone just pumping away without taking their partner into consideration, a lie back and think of England sentiment. It’s kind of hard to celebrate your sexuality if you don’t get to be involved in the sex. What do you think?  

-          Lauren, Obviously perplexed by this one and not totally sure why

Talkin About Bodily Functions Y'all

Y’all, I feel the need to talk about bodily functions this week. (No we are not talking about peeing on our partners today. Maybe later.) I have been avoiding the subject until now, because I am not completely comfortable with it. I will say that I am not as bad as a friend of mine who cannot say the words, “Fart,” or, “Poop,” because it freaks her out. I can say them. I just don’t want to do them where my partner (or my co-workers, or my friends, or my family members) can hear. It feels like a very private moment between me and my body that is suddenly shared with others. AND I HATE IT. I would rather not bond over these things. I want to pretend like they don’t happen.   

This probably comes out of my perfectionist tendencies. I want to be amazing and bionic and super human. Not someone who does those embarrassing things in front of others. Ew.  Super humans do not fart at inopportune moments. Bionic people do not poop in front of their co-workers; they probably hold it until no one else is in the bathroom. 

It reminds me of a story from my freshmen year of college. I was in the bathroom with someone else, and she was pooping and farting loudly. My first thought was, “Oh that poor girl must be so embarrassed. I will just pretend like this isn’t happening for her sake (And probably mine).” I finish, and I am washing my hands, and my roommate walks out. She says, “Sometimes you really have to poop.” She was so nonchalant about it. I almost passed out from shock and awe right then.

I write these things not to gross you out but in an attempt to be more like my old roommate. I am still working on it. I want to get to a place where I can say, “Whatever people, I had to poop.” I think that would be very freeing, and it would give me space to accept all of myself, including my gastrointestinal tract. So I salute those of you who shrug off the bodily function thing. I will be one of you someday!

-          Lauren, Private Bodily Functioner Laid Bare  

Why do we lose ourselves when we are with someone?

This week I want to talk about keeping yourself while you are in a relationship. By keeping yourself, I mean meeting your needs even when you are with someone. You do what you need to do in order to remain healthy and happy. We all have these needs that are exclusive from our partner, whether it is to have some quiet time alone or to spend a few evenings a week with friends. We all have things that we like to do on our own. When we get into relationships, sometimes these things fall away. Maybe we want to please our partners. Maybe we want to spend all of our time with our partners. Maybe we have a hard time balancing everything. (Can I get an amen?) Whatever your situation may be, suddenly you have lost the things that keep you whole. 

This is a really difficult position to be in. I have fallen into this pattern often. In the past, after a relationship has ended, I have spent entire days doing only things that I want to do, and I remember what I have been missing. I was so busy trying to be with them; I forgot to be with me. It is a vicious cycle, because it becomes harder and harder to pull away and make time for yourself. And yet, this is exactly what you need to do.

With my current partner, I do what makes me happy, even if it does not include him. I have been very honest with my needs, which was difficult at first, because I did not want to hurt his feelings. I did it for me, and he has been very respectful of my needs. He doesn’t give me a guilt trip if I need a night alone. He appreciates that I need to dance with my friends. He understands that I like to quietly read in coffee shops. My partner gets me and respects me, so he supports my singular activities. Everyone deserves that. 

We need to be strong in our relationships and to not forget our needs, and we must find partners who respect those needs. Otherwise, we lose ourselves, which is tragic because we are all pretty awesome. So think about where you are in your relationship or where you want to be in your next one. Make sure that you are celebrated and supported for doing the things that make you, you!

Lauren, Keeper of herself in relationships   

You'll Shoot Your Eye Out!

How many of you thought that this entry was going to be about female ejaculation? Wrong! What we are talking about may lead to squirting, but that is a whole other blog entry. This week we are talking about vibrators and clitoral desensitization. Whenever I think about this topic, it makes me think of warnings like, “You’ll go numb, or “No one will be able to satisfy you.” (Or, “You’ll shoot your eye out,” the lovely warning from A Christmas Story.)

I have heard the idea that using a vibrator could lead to clitoral numbness before. I heard that you should not use a vibrator too often, because it can cause nerve damage. You wouldn’t be as sensitive as before. You could never orgasm the same way. You would have to keep upping the vibration in order to reach the same sensation. You will go blind! (That might be more related to masturbation than using a vibrator…)

Those terrifying myths were probably created by our patriarchal society in order to reinstate the importance of the penis and to vilify a wonderful tool. And to kill women’s fun. Here is what my research has brought up.

• According to Dr. Carole Queen, a cultural sexologist and staff writer with Good Vibrations, you are doing no damage to your clitoris or vulva by using a vibrator each time you masturbate or during sex.

• Columbia University’s Go Ask Alice, a site of health questions answered by Columbia Health, wrote about this as well stating that masturbation will only enhance one’s ability to orgasm, and vibrators can be a helpful tool in this quest. They do not cause damage to one’s clitoris.

So there you have it. Use vibrators as often as you want. No damage done.

Now, I will say that varying the speed of the vibration, the location of your masturbation (or sexual encounter), or the position you are in, could help you explore what you like. Which I always encourage. And you can do that research now, since your clitoris will not fall off due to over-stimulation. Yay! Go explore!

-   Lauren, Myth Buster and Information Bomber

SASH, what the heck are you doing?

Normally I keep my blog entries upbeat or insightful, but I need y’all to know that I was let down the other day. A friend sent me a message about a conference that is coming to town that focuses on sexual health. This is a rare thing, so I pretty much signed up on the spot. Then I got really excited when I saw that it was being put on by the Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health. Who wouldn’t get excited by a group like that? Come on! THE SOCIETY FOR THE ADVANCEMENT OF SEXUAL HEALTH? That sounds freaking awesome. And then I went to their website… 

They focus on hypersexual disorders and sexual dysfunctions. Here’s the thing. I know that mental health professionals need skills in supporting those who may have sexual health issues. That is totally fine. We all need tools in our tool box. People do struggle with sexual disorders. They need professionals who can help them. Fine.  

My problem comes in the name and branding of the group. Your name is the Society for the ADVANCEMENT of Sexual Health, and you only focus on sexual disorders?! What are you advancing? It looks to me like they are advancing the notion that we only need to focus on sexual health if someone has a disorder. We only need to advance supports for people with dysfunctions, whatever that means. That is not inclusive. That does not make sexual health a part of wellness. That does not, “Create a culture of healthy sexuality.” That is not legitimizing the field. THIS IS NOT HELPFUL!

I am going to need you to call yourself something else. How about the, “Society for Treating Sexual Disorders,” or the, “Professional Group of Clinical Practitioners who focus on Sexual Dysfunctions?” Something that is specific enough to not get people excited and then have their hopes dashed, because you only focus on diagnoses! Ick. 

Now, instead of going to the conference, I am advancing my sexual health by signing up for dance classes. Dancing helps me express myself, feel connected to my body, and release stress. Way more helpful than hearing about diagnoses.

-  Lauren, Future Director of the Society for Celebrating Sexuality, because that’s what I ACTUALLY do.