Today, We are Talking about my Wedding. And I am Slightly Nervous about it.

Back in June, I got engaged. I have alluded to this a few times on my blog, but I have never talked about it directly. I just wasn’t ready. I have been sorting through a lot of feelings about the wedding for the past few months. Yes, the wedding. Not the marriage part. To me, marriage should be a right for everyone (or government sanctioned civil unions for everyone, if you would prefer). A wedding is a whole other ball of wax; it is totally a privilege to have a wedding, even a small one. I posted earlier this year that I have not been planning my wedding since I was four, and I had no idea what I would want. I went on to say that my long-term boyfriend and I would probably not get married, which I was totally fine with, because really, who freaking cares. Until he actually asked me to marry him, my parents gave us a very generous budget for the ceremony and reception, and I stumbled onto Pinterest, then I started to actually care A LOT. And it felt fucking weird, let me tell you. (Just a note, I do know that engagement also means marriage. Wedding stuff freaked me out more.)

I never thought that I would care about my wedding. I thought that we would do the bare minimum, and that would be okay. I didn’t want to make a huge to do about everything, because I was really uncomfortable with the privilege attached to it. It felt like I was declaring, “Yep, I can do all of this. Look at me lording all of this over all of you who can’t have a wedding like this. Mwahahaha.” Sometimes I have this mentality of minimizing opportunities given to me. I don’t want to make other people feel bad. Plus, a lot of people in the world are suffering; a wedding seems kind of silly then. But here is the thing. My parents gave me a huge gift, one that they are not going into debt over; one that allows me to have the celebration that I have chosen to have. It is okay to revel in that. It is okay for this to be special and unique and fun. It is okay to care about something that feels frivolous. Sometimes we need that in our lives. 

It has taken me months to get right with this whole big wedding thing, but I am there. Now, I am excited. Now, I want to talk about wedding plans with friends. Now, I want to make sure the wedding is a reflection of us, which sounds ridiculous but totally true. Frankly, this is a nice place to be. 

- Lauren, future bride who is finally embracing this whole wedding thing

The Punk Singer = Mind Blown (Again)

It is amazing that I am alive today, because my mind and my heart exploded at least four times last night. You see, I was watching the Punk Singer, a documentary about Kathleen Hanna, former lead singer of Riot Grrrl bands Bikini Kill and Le Tigre, and all of my younger angst and chutzpah about the role of women in our society came flooding back. It was an amazing and overwhelming experience that I did not expect. As a child of the 80s, I came a bit late to the Riot Grrrl scene. (I blame my parents for not meeting earlier, having me sooner, and living in suburban Atlanta.) It wasn’t until college in the early 2000s that I was immersed in the music of Sleater-Kinney, Bikini Kill, and L7, and they changed my life. They were the first really political bands that I heard who “got me.” These bands were talking about the feminist movement, bringing down patriarchy, stopping violence against women, and empowering the oppressed. They had the spine to say everything that I wanted to say, and they did it loudly on a music stage. I FUCKING LOVED IT.

Since college, I have really gotten away from Riot Grrrl music and messaging. I got sucked into hipster dance music and underground rap, which can have amazing, powerful messages. They just don’t touch my inner ROAR like Bratmobile, and I didn’t realize how much I missed that until last night. I really needed to hear the message of, “Fuck everyone else. You do what you want to do. You say what you want to say, because you deserve to be heard. It may not be easy, but you have something important to share.” I think that everyone deserves to hear that. It is really freeing.

I don’t really know what I am going to do with all of this reconnection. Maybe I will shave my head. Maybe I will start creating more political art. Maybe I will start a band. I have no idea. I just know that I like feeling inspired again.

Have you ever been unexpectedly inspired? What did you do with that call to action?

- Lauren, newly reinvigorated Riot Grrrl        

Hair Purgatory. Boo!

I have never been a girlie girl. Feminine? Sure, but not super girly. Not because I have chosen to limit myself for rebellious reasons or political ones, and I am not lazy nor have I given up on my looks. It’s just who I am. I don’t wear high heels ever. I can’t function in them, even kitten heels. I end up looking like a baby giraffe learning how to walk, and it never makes me feel sexy. I have one purse, which I use every day. I have had it for a few years, and it goes everywhere with me. I bought my first pair of tights as an adult last year, and I rarely wear them. Why? Because I rarely wear dresses or skirts outside of the summer months when it can be 115 degrees where I live. (Then I consider wearing a dress more of a survival technique) I also find myself wearing make up less and less often these days. It’s just not a priority anymore, and I like seeing my actual skin. 

A big part of me says, “I am going to rock what I have and be who I am.” This philosophy generally translates to a relatively low maintenance lifestyle. Most of my life right now follows this path, except for my hair, which is a totally different story. My hair is high maintenance! For the past year or so, I have been growing it out. I thought that it would be a fun experiment. Let’s see how long it can grow! Turns out, my hair can grow pretty long. It can also get caught in jackets and under purse straps. It takes forever to dry and style. And I am on the constant hunt for a good hair tie. All of the things that you forget when you live your life above the collar.

Now, I am torn. I have never gotten so many compliments on my hair EVER, and that feels awesome. Yet, my hairstyle doesn’t connect with who I am currently. It feels like someone else. That makes me want to do something extreme, like shave my head or get a Mohawk. Somehow that makes me feel like I would be balanced again, like I did the super femme look and now I am going more edgy. I am not sure if those really scream, “Lauren,” either. I am having a hard time finding a happy medium. In the meantime, I am in longer hair limbo. 

How do you get out of hair ruts? I clearly need help.   

  

- Lauren, sitting in hair purgatory