Game Changing Idea of Female Sexual Arousal

Holy shit balls! My mind was blown last week, and I want to share the information with you, because some of us learned about sex way back in the day from abstinence-only programs. And let’s face it, I doubt sex education has gotten THAT much better. SO I am spreading the information love. 

If you haven’t heard of Rosemary Basson, you need to Google her. She is a genius researcher/professor/dynamite detonator who has revolutionized how researchers view the typical female sexual response cycle. (I say typical, because these cycles are based on how most people respond during the research not all. There is variation everywhere!) Before Dr. Basson, researchers believed that males and females respond to sexual stimuli likethis:

Excitement -> (Desire and Arousal) Plateau -> Orgasm-> Resolution (Refractory period)

This model is totally what I learned in school and is based on the research of Masters and Johnson from 1966. There is one major problem with this model: as with most medical research, it is based on a majority of male participants’ responses to sexual stimuli. So females were left out of the equation. And this very linear model has persisted for YEARS.

Here is what Dr. Basson has proposed as a more accurate picture of a typical female sexual response cycle:

THIS is vastly different from the Masters and Johnson model. Note all of the factors that go into female sexual desire and arousal! This model takes into account the more complicated brain and physical processes involved in female sexual arousal, the longer sexual response time for females (15-30 minutes versus male response time of 3-5 minutes), and allows for spontaneity and intimacy.  It also takes orgasm out of the equation as the deciding factor of sexual satisfaction, which is more aligned with female response. Again, holy shit balls! 

Isn’t that interesting? What do you think?

- Lauren, learning something new everyday  

Sex with one person FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. It's a choice.

Lately, people have been asking me about my future marriage. They specifically want to know how I feel about having sex with one person for the rest of my life. (Blogging about female sexual empowerment can open up all kinds of fun conversations!) To be honest, I had not really thought about it in that term: FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. My fiancé and I have discussed long term monogamy in a broad way, like how neither of us could handle the level of communication and schedule juggling an open relationship requires. We have also admitted that we each have a slight jealousy streak (in a healthy way) that would make it difficult to have outside partners. Sharing is just not for us. At the same time, it can be really overwhelming to think about the fact that I am committing myself to having sex with one person for the next sixty or so years. I know that I am, and I realize that is PART of what our marriage will be about, but it’s still kind of daunting to think about.

My friend has a brilliant philosophy that I remember when I start to hyperventilate; it is, “I wake up every morning, and I recommit myself to my partner.” I love this for a few reasons. First, it keeps the focus on the here and now, so we don’t get all stuck in the past or jump to the future. Second, it helps us all remember why we are in the relationship in the first place. Third, it reminds me that my future marriage and monogamy is a choice, and I am embracing it with open arms. I am enthusiastically saying, “Yes,” as another friend would put it. My partnership is not about economic support or social obligation, like it might have been in past decades. My future marriage is about acceptance, growth, fun, adventure, mutual appreciation, laughter, open communication, dedication, and love.

Let’s also keep it real. This is not a romantic comedy. I 10000000% expect there to be rough patches and lulls in our sex life (and relationship). That is not a reason to panic. It’s not always going to be like when we first started dating, and that is okay. It’s part of being in a long term relationship. That is why we have all of the other stuff, like dialogue, acceptance, support, so we can talk about it and reconnect. Because we recommit ourselves each day. 

How do you think about long-term monogamy, if you do?

- Lauren, committing to one partner for the rest of my life

What do I do when I am not angry? Seek other inspiration.

I started this blog two years ago, because I was mad. I was (am) tired of women feeling disconnected from their sexual selves and having limited rights over their own bodies. I had a lot to say about female sexual empowerment, and I had no outlet for my anger. As a youth coordinator, it was risky to speak up about reproductive health issues publicly. So I started writing a blog under a different name. It felt really good! I love my blog. I love the conversations it starts. I love the little quasi-risk that I take every time I put myself out there. I love hearing someone say, “You know what? I totally changed ______ after reading a post of yours.” It makes me super fucking happy! At the same time, sometimes it is hard for me to write posts when I am not angry. It’s usually what fuels my creativity and my drive.

This week, we are trying something different. I am sharing five things that inspire me and get me moving when I am feeling less than motivated. They help remind me that conversations do not need to be fueled by anger. Sometimes, they can be fueled by light and curiosity and fun!

1. Kid President- I love his character. I love this project. It warms my heart and gets me connected to the possibility of a better world in a happy way!
2.   Dwell Magazine – I hate finishing this magazine and waiting for the next one. The photos are beautiful, and the projects get my creative juices flowing. I love the glimpses into well-designed and well-curated homes. I like the products that are featured. I even like the paper that the magazine is printed on. I fucking love it.
3. Joshua Walters – Mr. Walters is a comedian who did a TED talk on being just crazy enough, which blows my mind every time that I watch it. His premise is that we should see the genius in people who think, act and process differently from the, “Norm”. Brilliant.
4. Agustina Woodgate – This woman is an amazing artist from Argentina. I was going to write a whole bullet point about finding new artists, but that felt too broad. Ms. Woodgate is the perfect example of why discovering art is so amazing: it twists your brain. How else would I even think about turning stuffed animal skins into rugs?
5. The MIA Pandora Station – Not all of my inspiration needs to be visual. When you can collect a whole bunch of my favorite hipster, rump shaking music into one playlist, I am ready to start a revolution. And a dance party. Possibly at the same time.

      What inspires you when the anger just isn’t there? 

- Lauren, opening the genius floodgates