Today, We are Talking about my Wedding. And I am Slightly Nervous about it.

Back in June, I got engaged. I have alluded to this a few times on my blog, but I have never talked about it directly. I just wasn’t ready. I have been sorting through a lot of feelings about the wedding for the past few months. Yes, the wedding. Not the marriage part. To me, marriage should be a right for everyone (or government sanctioned civil unions for everyone, if you would prefer). A wedding is a whole other ball of wax; it is totally a privilege to have a wedding, even a small one. I posted earlier this year that I have not been planning my wedding since I was four, and I had no idea what I would want. I went on to say that my long-term boyfriend and I would probably not get married, which I was totally fine with, because really, who freaking cares. Until he actually asked me to marry him, my parents gave us a very generous budget for the ceremony and reception, and I stumbled onto Pinterest, then I started to actually care A LOT. And it felt fucking weird, let me tell you. (Just a note, I do know that engagement also means marriage. Wedding stuff freaked me out more.)

I never thought that I would care about my wedding. I thought that we would do the bare minimum, and that would be okay. I didn’t want to make a huge to do about everything, because I was really uncomfortable with the privilege attached to it. It felt like I was declaring, “Yep, I can do all of this. Look at me lording all of this over all of you who can’t have a wedding like this. Mwahahaha.” Sometimes I have this mentality of minimizing opportunities given to me. I don’t want to make other people feel bad. Plus, a lot of people in the world are suffering; a wedding seems kind of silly then. But here is the thing. My parents gave me a huge gift, one that they are not going into debt over; one that allows me to have the celebration that I have chosen to have. It is okay to revel in that. It is okay for this to be special and unique and fun. It is okay to care about something that feels frivolous. Sometimes we need that in our lives. 

It has taken me months to get right with this whole big wedding thing, but I am there. Now, I am excited. Now, I want to talk about wedding plans with friends. Now, I want to make sure the wedding is a reflection of us, which sounds ridiculous but totally true. Frankly, this is a nice place to be. 

- Lauren, future bride who is finally embracing this whole wedding thing

The Punk Singer = Mind Blown (Again)

It is amazing that I am alive today, because my mind and my heart exploded at least four times last night. You see, I was watching the Punk Singer, a documentary about Kathleen Hanna, former lead singer of Riot Grrrl bands Bikini Kill and Le Tigre, and all of my younger angst and chutzpah about the role of women in our society came flooding back. It was an amazing and overwhelming experience that I did not expect. As a child of the 80s, I came a bit late to the Riot Grrrl scene. (I blame my parents for not meeting earlier, having me sooner, and living in suburban Atlanta.) It wasn’t until college in the early 2000s that I was immersed in the music of Sleater-Kinney, Bikini Kill, and L7, and they changed my life. They were the first really political bands that I heard who “got me.” These bands were talking about the feminist movement, bringing down patriarchy, stopping violence against women, and empowering the oppressed. They had the spine to say everything that I wanted to say, and they did it loudly on a music stage. I FUCKING LOVED IT.

Since college, I have really gotten away from Riot Grrrl music and messaging. I got sucked into hipster dance music and underground rap, which can have amazing, powerful messages. They just don’t touch my inner ROAR like Bratmobile, and I didn’t realize how much I missed that until last night. I really needed to hear the message of, “Fuck everyone else. You do what you want to do. You say what you want to say, because you deserve to be heard. It may not be easy, but you have something important to share.” I think that everyone deserves to hear that. It is really freeing.

I don’t really know what I am going to do with all of this reconnection. Maybe I will shave my head. Maybe I will start creating more political art. Maybe I will start a band. I have no idea. I just know that I like feeling inspired again.

Have you ever been unexpectedly inspired? What did you do with that call to action?

- Lauren, newly reinvigorated Riot Grrrl        

Hair Purgatory. Boo!

I have never been a girlie girl. Feminine? Sure, but not super girly. Not because I have chosen to limit myself for rebellious reasons or political ones, and I am not lazy nor have I given up on my looks. It’s just who I am. I don’t wear high heels ever. I can’t function in them, even kitten heels. I end up looking like a baby giraffe learning how to walk, and it never makes me feel sexy. I have one purse, which I use every day. I have had it for a few years, and it goes everywhere with me. I bought my first pair of tights as an adult last year, and I rarely wear them. Why? Because I rarely wear dresses or skirts outside of the summer months when it can be 115 degrees where I live. (Then I consider wearing a dress more of a survival technique) I also find myself wearing make up less and less often these days. It’s just not a priority anymore, and I like seeing my actual skin. 

A big part of me says, “I am going to rock what I have and be who I am.” This philosophy generally translates to a relatively low maintenance lifestyle. Most of my life right now follows this path, except for my hair, which is a totally different story. My hair is high maintenance! For the past year or so, I have been growing it out. I thought that it would be a fun experiment. Let’s see how long it can grow! Turns out, my hair can grow pretty long. It can also get caught in jackets and under purse straps. It takes forever to dry and style. And I am on the constant hunt for a good hair tie. All of the things that you forget when you live your life above the collar.

Now, I am torn. I have never gotten so many compliments on my hair EVER, and that feels awesome. Yet, my hairstyle doesn’t connect with who I am currently. It feels like someone else. That makes me want to do something extreme, like shave my head or get a Mohawk. Somehow that makes me feel like I would be balanced again, like I did the super femme look and now I am going more edgy. I am not sure if those really scream, “Lauren,” either. I am having a hard time finding a happy medium. In the meantime, I am in longer hair limbo. 

How do you get out of hair ruts? I clearly need help.   

  

- Lauren, sitting in hair purgatory

Revisiting My High School Self

Tonight, I revisit my high school self on stage, in front of (hopefully) a bunch of people, as I explore emails that I wrote to my parents throughout those four years. This performance has been evolving over the past month. I have gone from wanting to mock my high school self, because she did some really embarrassing stuff, to wanting to honor her for getting me through a tough time. Cultivating this view has been an evolution to say the least, and I think that I owe my fiancé a giant hug after this whole thing is over. Sometimes evolution makes me crabby.  What can I say? I can’t be graceful and calm all of the time. 

It is strange to revisit my high school self, because I honestly do not remember much of that time. I remember middle school, because holy fuck that was a harrowing experience. There was a whole lot of awkwardness and gangliness happening there. I remember senior year, because I partied A LOT, including the night that I was convinced Icee pops would make good mixers. Yuck. (Sorry mom and dad!) It is the in between years that are pretty fuzzy. I look at people who remember exactly who their teachers were, who their friends were, and where they were on certain dates, and I am super jealous. I have bits and pieces of that stuff, but they really don’t add up to much. 

This performance has given me some of those years back. Exploring the emails (and a few photos) has helped me remember that I wasn’t totally miserable and sad during those years in high school, like I had assumed. I had moments of that, but I had some fun too. I just gloss over the fun sometimes. I think that I do that with a lot of things. I either assume that I had a good time or a bad time. I don’t always leave room for a gray area, and that space can be really important. It gives me room to breathe and regroup and be neutral. There is something to be said for that! Apparently I lived in it for quite a few of my teen years. 

After this mini evolution, I can now say that I am proud of who I was, and I am excited to reveal pieces of my past self on stage tonight. It will help me and others have a more filled out picture of myself, one with a bit of gray space.  

Have you ever looked back on something to realize that your picture of events might not be totally accurate? What happened?

- Lauren, high school time traveler

I have writer's block.

I did not post last week, and I almost did not post this week. But that would leave people hanging, and I would hate to do that. Here is the truth: I have writer’s block. For the past two weeks, I have done so much writing in my regular life that I don’t even know what to write on my blog. I think this is what happens when I have deadlines looming, and I decide to take on another major performance project (which I will talk about more next week). Maybe I can explore why I do these things in another post.  I honestly thought that I would have enough brain space for everything; I had no idea that this could happen to ME. I have always seen my blog as an extra special writing outlet, like where I get to play. Wise bloggers did mention that sometimes you just get stuck. I guess that I just thought I could be super woman and power through, but my brain has decided otherwise. Boo.

Instead of a regular post, I will offer you a brilliant TED speech on inspiration given by Elizabeth Gilbert, writer of Eat, Pray, Love. I have not had her level of success with my writing yet, but her speech still gives me comfort in times of mental block. 

See the speech here. 

Enjoy!

- Lauren, blogger who will be back in action next week!