Real bodies? Sexy!

I went to Coco Coquette’s wig show this week, thanks to a friend’s invite. AND IT WAS FREAKING AWESOME. Let me lay the scene for you. We are at a giant warehouse type of bar in Austin. It is totally industrial and dark. There is a large, black stage with a white runway jutting out into the crowd. We can see people in costume standing above us, and they look cool from up there. But who can really tell from 100 feet away?  I have no idea what to expect. What do I know about wig shows? Plus, I didn’t do a ton of research before the show. (I usually just agree to attend things, and it turns out well or it doesn’t. Either way, I might get a good story out of it.) So I didn’t know what was about to happen. And then the show starts…

The first woman onstage has an amazing wig that makes her look like a fierce warrior, and her costume involves a tiny bikini, intricate jewelry, and head wear. She has a very raw, jungle feel to her dance performance. As she is dancing, I realize something. That girl has a real, honest-to-God butt. Not like a tiny model butt. A real butt. With dimples. And she was shaking it. And performing. And bringing her character to life. AND IT WAS FUCKING SEXY.

As the performers kept coming, I realized that they were all foxy in their own way, and they all had real bodies. Some were tall and skinny. Some were short and had tummies. Some were tall and had tummies. Some were short and skinny. Some were super muscular. And they were all WORKING IT. And it was amazing. AMAZING. Not because of the variety of body types (Although high five Coco for that decision), but because they were celebrating their bodies. They are performing onstage in tiny outfits and giant wigs, and they are not self-conscious. If anything, they are daring the audience to look at them, all of them. And it was breathtaking. And I loved it. 

Now, I want to be one of those performers. Someone who inhabits her body completely and shows it off without worrying about the flaws (which only I see anyway). You should join me!

How will you celebrate and flaunt your body?

-          Lauren, Body celebrator and booty shaker  

This word is just not sexy to me. It just isn’t!

Y’all we need to talk. I have a confession to make. As a sex positive individual, this might come as a shock to you. But I am going to say it anyway, because I believe in honesty. Even though it pains me to say it (or write it) publicly. I am going to do it. Are you ready? Okay. I hate the word horny. Hate it. I like the meaning behind it, but the actual word feels completely unsexy.

Here is the Merriam Webster Dictionary definition of horny:

1. Of or made of horn
2. Having horns
3. Desiring sexual gratification
4. Sexually aroused

 Perhaps it is because I do not want my sexual lexicon to involve horns. (Maybe Vikings. Maybe. But that is off-topic.) Perhaps it is because horny makes me think of farm animals, and bestiality is on my never-going-to-try list. Perhaps it is because the word makes me think of Middle School, which was a dark time for us all. Perhaps it is because horny feels vulgar. (Although I doubt that is it. Really.) Perhaps it is because horny is a ridiculous word. I don’t really know. I do know that Austin Powers with his British accent and debonair ways could not even save this word for me. 

I DO NOT LIKE IT. (Hopefully, this will not get me kicked out of the sexual health world. I am crossing my fingers. And I have gotten right with it. I will start my own club that celebrates my lexicon boundaries.)

Do y’all have words like this? They are supposed to be all sexy, but they totally fall flat for you. That is really the one that comes to mind for me. I will have to think of other ones. This one is clearly a BIGGIE in my world. 

-          Lauren, Horny user no more!  

Emotional Intimacy AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There are different types of intimacy, and I am incredibly uncomfortable with one of them: EMOTIONAL INTIMACY. Yes, the kind that most girls are really good at; the kind where you bare your deepest truths to people and hope they accept them. I tend to be a very private person (except for when I am writing on this blog apparently). It takes a lot for me to trust anyone. I will not just bare my soul to someone. I am happy to hear someone talk about what is going on with them. I don’t always want to process what is happening in my life. I don’t always share how I am feeling. I don’t like to be vulnerable. It freaks me out.

And then there are times when life takes away your choices and you must trust someone. You must rely on them to support you in your time of need. You must hope that they will be there for you. You must let go of any emotional walls that you have put up. You must be 100% true to yourself, because you have no choice. And you have to give up the idea that there is any shred of mystery left between you and your partner. Because ALL of that is officially over, and everything just got real. This time, my friends, is when you become violently ill while traveling with your partner (or friend, or anyone else).

That happened to me this week. I was so sick that all I could do was lie on the floor outside of the bathroom and crawl into the bathroom when I needed it. There was no decorum. There was no joking. There was no glossing over anything. It was 100% me. Lying on the floor with matted hair, whimpering about death, making sad faces, trying to fight off whatever it was that was trying to kill me. Just me. And I had to let go of my fears and trust someone else to support me in my time of need. You know what? He did.  

   

So maybe I need to give people more credit. Part of accepting all of you is sharing all parts of you, as it feels safe. I think that it’s time for me to do that more. I will be better for it. 

What makes you want to share with people?

-          Lauren, Learning how to share new things, like herself

The tool = the work?

“He who has the tool should do the work.” This is what a friend was told by her partner after sex. (I will amend it to say whoever has the tool should do the work. We will not leave out strap-on dildo wielding women. Not on this blog.) My friend said that she thought this was a brilliant statement. A revelation if you will. After I stopped laughing at his comment, because who wouldn’t laugh at that, I had to really think about it. Whoever has the tool should do the work… I am not so sure about that. 

This is the point in the blog post where I must admit that I have kind of a split personality when it comes to sex. Most of the time I want to give up the power and the control, because I am so dominant in the rest of my life. I run statewide programs. I am the head of my own household. I make things happen for myself. Sex is the time when I can let go. Someone else can take the power. I can guide my partner, but I am not in the driver’s seat.  This is the part of me that appreciates her partner’s sentiment.  

The other part of me wants to wave my finger in his face and say, “Oh hell no. You don’t get to have all of the fun.” This is the part of me who likes to take over. Sometimes I want the power and the control. I want to decide the speed, the angle, the level of intensity. I get to control how the sex goes. 

I am struggling with this one y’all. Obviously the issue is not black and white. And we all have our moments where we want different things from our sex lives. It’s an interesting statement. I just wonder if beliefs like that would lead to someone opting out and just taking it. Or lead to someone just pumping away without taking their partner into consideration, a lie back and think of England sentiment. It’s kind of hard to celebrate your sexuality if you don’t get to be involved in the sex. What do you think?  

-          Lauren, Obviously perplexed by this one and not totally sure why