Tonight, I revisit my high school self on stage, in front of
(hopefully) a bunch of people, as I explore emails that I wrote to my parents
throughout those four years. This performance has been evolving over the past
month. I have gone from wanting to mock my high school self, because she did
some really embarrassing stuff, to wanting to honor her for getting me through
a tough time. Cultivating this view has been an evolution to say the least, and
I think that I owe my fiancé a giant hug after this whole thing is over.
Sometimes evolution makes me crabby. What
can I say? I can’t be graceful and calm all of the time.
It is strange to revisit my high school self, because I
honestly do not remember much of that time. I remember middle school, because
holy fuck that was a harrowing experience. There was a whole lot of awkwardness
and gangliness happening there. I remember senior year, because I partied A
LOT, including the night that I was convinced Icee pops would make good mixers.
Yuck. (Sorry mom and dad!) It is the in between years that are pretty fuzzy. I
look at people who remember exactly who their teachers were, who their friends were,
and where they were on certain dates, and I am super jealous. I have bits and
pieces of that stuff, but they really don’t add up to much.
This performance has given me some of those years back.
Exploring the emails (and a few photos) has helped me remember that I wasn’t
totally miserable and sad during those years in high school, like I had assumed.
I had moments of that, but I had some fun too. I just gloss over the fun
sometimes. I think that I do that with a lot of things. I either assume that I
had a good time or a bad time. I don’t always leave room for a gray area, and
that space can be really important. It gives me room to breathe and regroup and
be neutral. There is something to be said for that! Apparently I lived in it
for quite a few of my teen years.
After this mini evolution, I can now say that I am proud of who
I was, and I am excited to reveal pieces of my past self on stage tonight. It
will help me and others have a more filled out picture of myself, one with a
bit of gray space.
Have you ever looked back on something to realize that your picture of
events might not be totally accurate? What happened?
- Lauren, high school time traveler
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