In a cheating situation, whose fault is it?

So people have been talking about the General Patraeus scandal. He is the head of the Central Intelligence Agency. He had an affair with his biographer, and investigators worry that he might have shared private, sensitive information with her. Fine. Worry about that. 

A local radio show had a bigger question: does his wife have a role to play in the affair? Apparently his wife has gained a significant amount of weight in the past few years, and she might not look as good as she has in the past. (This is what the radio show is proposing. I haven’t actually seen pictures.) They were suggesting that might have been part of the appeal of an affair. 

My kneejerk reaction is to defend General Patraeus’s wife. His actions have caused her distress and humiliation. He couldn’t keep his penis in his pants, so now their lives are being ripped apart on national television. And let me just get this out of the way: I believe that you should talk to your partner about issues in the relationship. You should work on them and put in 100% of your effort to fix them. Having an affair is not the answer. It is childish and hurtful. Divorce someone before you have sex with another person OR have an open relationship built on honesty. 

I am left wondering about what I would do if my partner gained weight and stopped putting in effort to keep up his appearance. I know that bodies change over the years. That is not what I am talking about. I am talking about a large shift in appearance that leads me to be less attracted to him. And vice versus. What if I stop exercising and taking pride in how I look? Is it fair for me to expect him to quietly sit as he becomes less attracted to me? He fell in love with one person, and now she looks completely different. I would hope that we could have a conversation about it before he chased down some hot young thang. I would also hope that I could take action and responsibility for my appearance. 

There is also a fine line that you walk in a relationship, and this is really tricky! What do you think?

-          Lauren, more shallow than she thought?   

What the fuck is a vajacial?

I read that word this week while I was reading one of many celebrity gossip blogs that I follow. In it, there was a Women's Health interview with Isla Fisher in which she mentions the word, “Vajacial.” And I thought, “What the fuck is a vajacial?” Vajazzling? Sure. G Shot? Yep. Vaginal rejuvenation? Understood. But a vajacial? Nope. No idea. So I have done some investigating. Here is what I have found from a few different sources, including Bella Sugar Online and Stript Wax Bar’s website:

A vajacial (should read vulvacial, because they are focusing on the vulva) is an additional service for a woman the week after she has gotten a bikini wax in order to fight ingrown hairs. During the appointment, an aesthetician performs an anti-bacterial cleanse, an exfoliating treatment, an anti-freckle, anti-acne or calming mask, and a lightening treatment.

If you would like to, you can add a vajazzling treatment to your vajacial in order to add some bling to your newly cleansed vulva. 

I kid you not.

Now, we live in an age when we can botox our armpits in order to avoid sweat stains. A laser can melt our fat over a lunch break. Doctors can perform entire body lifts on people who have lost hundreds of pounds. Scientists can grow ears on mice and clone sheep. SO why do I feel horrified by anti-freckle masks and lightening treatments?  

I am not sure. A part of me says that we should accept our vulvas, freckles and all. A part of me recognizes that these types of treatments might help people feel more comfortable with their vulvas. And another part of me wonders how these treatments could possibly NOT lead to an infection.

 
What do you think?

- Lauren, Possible curmudgeon who needs to get with the times

Scary Story for your Halloween!

Today I bring you a scary story from the GYNECOLOGICAL OFFICE! Ooooooh. No, it is not about speculums, although those can be downright frightening. It is about a doctor who did not listen to the person seeking her services, so she lost her… to another gynecologist. Let me paint the spooky scene.

I had been in Austin for about a year, and I was searching for a new gynecologist. I needed an annual exam and a new birth control pill prescription. I found a practice that sounded good, and I asked for their gentlest doctor. And I was sent to this woman who shall remain nameless. (It makes it scarier that way.) I went to our first appointment, and I was concerned that my libido had been lower than usual. I wasn’t sure if it was situational or hormonal, but it was starting to freak me out. So I decided to talk to her about it. BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT YOU DO WHEN YOU ARE HAVING ISSUES WITH YOUR VAGINA, YOU ASK A GYNECOLOGIST. And she totally shut me down, like the scary doctor she is. The conversation went something like this. 

Me: I have noticed that my sex drive has been lower the past several months. I am wondering if it is my situation; I have been single for a while. Or if it is a side effect of this particular brand of birth control pills.

The Doctor: We can talk about this more when you are in a relationship. I can refer you to therapists who do Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.

Me: I don’t know if that is the issue. Could it be something else, like the pills or stress or environmental?

The Doctor: Nope, we won’t know until you have a boyfriend.

And that was when I realized that she was really a zombie/vampire/mummy gynecologist, so I unraveled the wrappings and drove a stake through her heart!!! Duh, duh, duh.

Ha. Just kidding. That is when I fired her ass and found a doctor who would listen to me and answer my questions. Because FUCK THAT. I deserve to be a partner in my health care. I want to encourage you to find doctors who will listen to you and who will celebrate YOU. Anything less is just SCARY!

-          Lauren, a partner in my own gynecological care  

Existential Crisis!!!!!!!!!

Lately, I have been feeling very unsettled in my professional life. My mom and my therapist blame it on the universe being out of whack. Apparently, this is a time for discovery and brutal honesty. I have to say that I would like for the universe to quit fucking with me. I feel like I keep having these moments of clarity about what I want to do with my life, and then I pick them apart and question them. I am currently a social worker, and that has defined me for over six years. Now, I am not sure what to do.

I am pretty sure I am having an existential crisis. A mini one. I had a giant one on my 24^th birthday, where I completely questioned how in the heck I had gotten to that space in my life. I was completely overwhelmed by E V E R Y T H I N G. This is not that. I am pretty happy with most of my life. I have good friends and a solid boyfriend; I like the city that I live in. I just have this unsettled feeling that I should be doing something else with my life, and I wish that I knew what that was. Before, with my giant existential crisis, I felt like I wanted to do something bigger and better and more challenging with my life. Now I have that, and I feel pretty done with it. 

I keep telling people that I want to do what I want to do. I have paid my dues. I am ready to do something meaningful that celebrates my assets and creativity and passion. It feels bratty to say that. People spend years and years and years paying their dues. They climb the corporate ladder, or they work two jobs while building their own business, or they toil away to earn their PhD. I don’t want to do any of that. I just want something small and satisfying and fun. Whatever that is. 

I have always just put one foot in front of the other and powered through. I am not sure that is how I should handle my mini existential crisis. What do y’all do when you feel like this?

-          Lauren, Some sort of future professional something or other   

Today, we give props to the UK!

When I saw this anti-sexual assault ad campaign created in the United Kingdom, I almost peed my pants out of excitement. The ads are specifically geared toward men with quotes like, “I hear her when she says No. Do you?” This is so different from the typical ads that we see. They are usually telling women to close their legs, protect themselves, and seek help. So not only are we potential targets, we are also supposed to stop it from happening. Like it’s our fucking job to make sure some dude does not brutally attack us, take our dignity, remove our self worth and self respect, make it hard to trust people again, make it difficult to ever feel sexual again, take our lives away, and make us feel like worthless empty vessels. But the men have no responsibility or part in this whatsoever. NO, ladies keep your virtue. If you hadn’t been drinking, gone on that date, worn that skirt, walked down that street, went to that guy’s house, slept in your own bed, driven in that neighborhood, slept in someone else’s bed, gone to that class, walked down that hallway, gone to that party, we wouldn’t be in this mess. Well fuck that and fuck society for sending that message. 

FINALLY, there is an ad campaign that is a step in the right direction. Is it perfect? No. It does not deal with the fact that women can also be sexually violent. People have been pointing that out. Here’s the thing. When you take rape from a public health perspective, men raping women is an epidemic of MASSIVE proportions. Therefore, it is more effective to start messaging with men. If they had included women, then all of the focus would be on that, and the campaign would not be as powerful. So I am going to give the UK props for having the spine to put these ads out there.

Check out the ad campaign here. http://www.wecanstopit.co.uk/

What do you think?

-          Lauren, shocked and relieved to see ads with new perspective