Busting Some Orgasm Myths with Miss Mary Roach (By Proxy)

Hello Everyone!

Today, I bring you a TED talk given by Mary Roach on the Orgasm. Now, I have three things to say before we get started. One, the TED people have gotten a ton of flack for only posting certain videos and not others. (Something about pandering to conservative funders?) I don't really care. This is a great TED speech, and I like to support people who will post videos that involve sexual health facts.

Two, I am not posting this video to say that sexuality can be boiled down to just the orgasm. Sexuality is so much bigger than that! It's how we see ourselves, how we feel about ourselves, how we connect to one another, how we express our personalities, and how we celebrate who we are. Sexuality is huge. I just like the video.

Three, Mary Roach is freaking brilliant. And she is not paying me to say so. Her book Bonk, which focuses on sexual health and research, is amazing. I must have highlighted at least three things in each chapter. She writes with humor and curiosity and approachability, which can be difficult when you are talking scientific stuff. That is Ms. Roach's gift.

So without further adieu, I give you Mary Roach's TED Speech, "10 things you didn't know about the Orgasm."

Now, go on with your bad selves and celebrate the new wrinkle that you just created in your brain!

- Lauren, Supporter of amazing sexual health speeches that are also ACCURATE 

Bottoms Up!

I was at a dinner last week, and an emergency room doctor happened to be there. Someone asked her about her most interesting patient. She started talking about this person who came into the emergency room, because they were using a glass vase for anal play, and it had shattered. This is not the only emergency room story that I have heard. I asked another doctor the same question. “What is the most interesting thing that you have seen?” (PS Not even asking about anything anal) He said, “I had to remove a dinosaur toy from a woman’s rectum. She had used it during foreplay, and it had gotten stuck.”

I am 100% for experimentation. Abso-freaking-lutely. I am the last person to espouse the beauty of doing the same thing over and over. For the love of yourself, try new things AND get educated in the process. Because no one wants to be an emergency room story. 

Just to get you started, here are the top seven tips that I have come across from Good Vibrations, EmpowHer, and Nerve:

1.  Make sure that your partner is willing and comfortable. AND that you are willing and comfortable. This will probably require some conversation.
2. Make sure that you and your partner are both well. You want clean digestive tracts during anal play. Sickness = Not fun time
3. USE LUBE. Not spit. Not Olive Oil. Not KY. Not even Astroglide. You need thick, water-based lubricant that will most likely only be found online or at a sex toy shop.
4. Start small and go slowly. Rectal tissue can tear easily, so you want to start with something very small, like a finger, before you move to larger objects.
5. When you are ready, use toys that were designed for anal play. You want something with a larger base so that it does not get easily sucked up into the anus. Don’t use anything that can shatter either.
6. Do not cross anal and vaginal play. Anuses contain bacteria that are harmful to vaginas. Do not mix the two.
7. Use condoms. Rectums are especially susceptible to sexually transmitted diseases, because they are so delicate. 

There are many more things to learn about anal play outside of this list. Tristan Taormino and Nina Hartley have written extensively on the subject. Please read the information and use it. Remember to honor yourself in your play! 

-          Lauren, Droppin knowledge today!     

What do you WANT to do?

You guys, I had my mind blown yesterday, and I have been obsessing about it ever since. I was innocently sitting in the closing lunch of a conference that I had been working at when the speaker said something profound. He said, “What do you WANT to do? Not what do you think that you CAN do. Not what you think that you SHOULD do. What do you WANT?” This may seem really basic and obvious to some people, but I have not thought about that in a really long time. I am talking at least two years.

Instead, I have been answering that question from a place of CAN. I could do this. I could do that. Opportunities feel really limiting and not very exciting when you put them in could terms. Coulds are two seconds from shoulds, and should usually mean chores, which are never WANT to dos but HAVE to dos. And man, have to dos totally suck, don’t they? I have to do laundry. I have to pay my bills. I have to go to the grocery store. (Insert your own here.) I don’t want my life to be full of have to dos without any want to dos.

What do you want? WHAT DO YOU WANT? I am finally in a space to answer that question without feeling completely overwhelmed or burdened by the enormity of the concept. It’s really liberating. You should try it yourself. It feels really empowering to say, “This is what I want out of my life.” And this idea will seep into every facet of your life, including your sexuality.

So what do you want in your life?

- Lauren, Seeker of WANTS not CANS

I found a new limit. Who knew?

So every once in awhile, I am reminded of the fact that I have limits to what I can work with. I have very few things that make me stop and think, "Um, nope. I do not even want to consider that ever. I would not want to try that in a relationship, and I could not work with a person who has that sexual interest." Here is a list of things that I already knew that I was not okay with:

For health reasons: I never want poop involved in my sex life. I am also not okay with choking.

For moral reasons: I am not okay with bestiality, incest, or pedophilia.

For my sensitive tummy: I am not okay with needle or medical play.

I thought that was where my list ended. Everything else could be worked out. (See? Open minded!) Then I saw this article, and I realized that there was another thing to add to the list. The adult baby fetish. I can't do it, and I can't work with someone who is interested in it. Maybe that's because babies freak me out, and therefore giant, adult babies freak me out even more. I am not sure. If you are into it, then by all means, go for it. I just know that I can't do it. And that's okay. We all have our limits, and we need to honor them. That is a big part of empowerment! Yeah!

How do you honor your limits?

- Lauren, finder and honorer of my boundaries

I was horrified, and then I saw myself in her.

I had a really strange and revealing moment this weekend. Do you ever have those? You are moving along, minding your own business, and then BAM! You learn something about yourself. I had one while watching Say Yes to the Dress on the Learning Channel on Sunday. How the hell does that happen? Well, I am glad that you asked…  

So Say Yes to the Dress is this show that follows women while they try to find wedding dresses. (Stop judging me.) During this episode, a forty five year old woman was trying to find her dress. She was to be married for the first time, and she had been saving herself for marriage. I immediately wrote her off as a fool, and then I had my moment. Holy f balls! She and I might have something in common.

Let me explain. I chose to be celibate for two years while living in Austin. I know. Take a moment. Let it sink in. I wanted to explore my motivations for having sex, and I wanted to realign my priorities when seeking a partner. I needed a reboot.

During the first year, I felt like an empowered female. During the second year, I thought that I would die, and at the same time sex became really important to me. I didn’t want to have sex with just anyone. I wanted it to have meaning. Which believe me, normally would make me want to barf. BUT when you have waited awhile to have sex, weird shit happens to your brain. Luckily, I met someone wonderful, and I broke my streak. AND that is exactly what the Say Yes to the Dress woman was doing with her marriage.

She probably waited for religious reasons, and she managed to wait forty five years. (I have no idea how.) So we don’t have those things in common. But I do understand her more than I thought I would. Do I believe that sex has to have meaning ALL of the time? Hell no. Do I understand wanting to have sex for reasons other than it feels good? Absolutely.    

So that was my latest sex-related revelation. Have you had any that you would like to share?

- Lauren, Now a bit more open-minded empowered female

Lil Wayne, I salute you for showing vulvas some aural love.

In the world of Pink Glitter and Brass Knuckles, you might be surprised that I am giving a shout out to Lil Wayne, especially when talking about performing oral sex. You might be wondering why I am not talking about Lil Kim or Khia. They both have talked about requiring their partners to do it. And yes, they deserve accolades. However, I posit that it takes more for a male rapper to talk about performing cunnilingus than it does for a woman to talk about making her partner go down on her. 

Hear me out on this one. In a world where mainstream rappers constantly talk about how big their knots are, laying the pipe, hoes in area codes, and getting their dicks sucked, Lil Wayne gives a shout out to vulva licking. I don’t hear Jay Z or Kanye talking about that. I don’t hear Drake talking about that. And I certainly won’t hear Eminem, Kirko Bangs, or Flo’rida talking about that. Nope. NOPE! 

Now, Lil Wayne absolutely talks about the size of his testicles (HUGE) and getting licked like a lollipop. But he also talks about performing oral sex. We live in a world where 70% of women require clitoral stimulation in order to orgasm, (And oral sex is a great way to access the clitoris) so I would venture to say Lil Wayne talking about giving head is a big freaking deal. I do not agree with everything that Lil Wayne says. Not by a long shot. However, I am willing to accept small victories in the mainstream music industry. Because we have far to go people. And any male rapper who will bust out, “I tongue kissed her other tongue, or, “That pussy in my mouth had me lost for words,” gets a high five from me. The world is won in baby steps, and Lil Wayne has taken a few. So props to you sir, and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.   

What other male musical artist deserves a high five?

-          Lauren, Taking a stand for male artists who give the vulva support from time to time

Express Yo' Empowered Self!

I thought this week I would talk about empowerment. I try to live out this concept every day. For me, empowerment is about honoring yourself and your values. It is not using a loud voice to scream, “THIS IS WHO I AM. TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT, AND IF YOU LEAVE IT, THEN YOU CAN GO FUCK YOURSELF.” Although, sometimes a loud voice is needed, like when legislators try to defund women’s health programs in Texas. Empowerment is so much bigger than just a loud voice. It is how you support yourself and quietly stand up for yourself every day. It is knowing your core self and honoring your needs. It is telling your boyfriend that you will not spend the night before a big presentation, because you need to sleep in order to feel ready, and he snores. It is telling your friend that you have not been as available to them, because you needed to take time for yourself, in order to process recent life changes. It is going to the gym, when you would rather be at a happy hour, because you know that cardio sessions help you feel healthy.

This is the essence of empowerment for me. It is putting yourself first, above all else. Above your job. Above your partner. Above your friends. Above your children. Your needs come first, and you don’t dishonor yourself by constantly putting yourself aside. You state what you need. You recognize what you are worth. You don’t dim your light in order to make others feel better, and you keep people in your life who can support you. It can be so easy to let ourselves go instead of putting our needs first. Society gives women those messages all of the time. I want us to break this cycle. I want to give the finger to anyone who says that this is selfish and wrong. Empowering ourselves to put us first is exactly what we should be doing. At the end of the day, I am much happier when I can say that I have celebrated myself throughout my life. Even though it can take sacrifice, I am worth it. We all are.

How are you going to express your empowered self today?

-        -  Lauren, Empowered Female who puts herself first, and I am proud of that