This post is inspired by a conversation that I had with a
friend this week. She was talking about how people harp on her for not having
more sexual partners, while she watches these same people consistently have sex
with individuals who don’t support them. She gave an example of a highly
successful woman with whom she works. This woman is having a casual sexual
relationship with a married man who consistently makes very public, disparaging
remarks about her weight and her personality. This is something that the woman
would never put up with from her friends, but she completely lets slide with
her sexual partner. After sharing the story, my friend just asked me, “Why do
we have sex with people who make no damn sense, especially when we have such
sophisticated vibrator and dildo technology?”
She asks a very interesting question. Why do we sleep with
people who we know aren’t on our level (Emotionally, physically, socially,
spiritually, etc.)? Maybe they aren’t particularly nice to us. Maybe we aren’t
totally physically attracted to them. Maybe they don’t perform the kind of sex
acts that we like. Maybe they use words, like, “Vajayjay” and, “Bro.” Maybe
their lives are kind of a mess. There could be any multitude of things that
they do which irks us or makes them not quite dating material or even friend
material. Yet we end up having sex with them anyway. So why is sex different?
According to the well-researched and well-written book, “Why
women have sex: Women reveal the truth about their sex lives,” by Drs. Cindy
Meston and David Buss PhD, there are a bunch of different reasons why. We could be
celebrating and seeking reward. We could be angry and seeking revenge. We could
be stressed and seeking release. We could be feeling sexy that day. We could be
in the mood for a challenge. We could be bored. We could be in love. We could
be in lust. For every individual in every sexual encounter, there is a
different motivation.
Now, this doesn’t necessarily answer my friend’s question
about settling. So I am going to put that question to y’all. Have you ever had
sex with someone who you would never be
friends with or date? What motivated you to do so?
-
Lauren, currently curious about sexual
motivations
ultimately i was bored and in my early 20's. i knew a lot about what i didn't want and not anything about what i did want. turns out when you spend a lot of time thinking about what you don't want, you actually attract that exact person!
ReplyDeletein some ways it was a way to gain experience, build confidence, safe guard me from loneliness, learn about boys in a new way without really falling too deeply into a relationship.
ha! in some weird way it's kind of how i thought about drugs in high school, experimental, enjoyed the excitement, made for lots of fun stories and not a lot of hurt feelings...but never got too serious, never really needed what i was doing, just having fun and learning.
I think that we all get into that in our young adulthood. Sometimes we do need to experience things, and we have several reasons for that. (Boredom being one of them) I just wonder if there is a line between experimenting and settling for anyone who has a penis. I don't know if it's age. Maybe? That seems a bit superficial though.
ReplyDeletethere is definitely a line! and it's self worth.
ReplyDeleteYou are funny! And good point.
DeleteLots of reasons! "Story value," i.e., "will this be entertaining to dish on with my friends, even if it isn't particularly great action?" was a big one for me when I was younger... and, in a case or two, not so long ago or far away. In recent years, I've become more particular and less prone to wasting condoms and effort on stories that I can tell in advance will later read more like pratfalls than scandals. And I do worry about anyone who reaches 30 without more dealbreakers on their mental checklist than they had at 20.
ReplyDeleteBut in the end, is has to do with not finding sex to automatically equal a big deal. It certainly CAN be a big deal, and I would never fault anyone for preferring to keep it that way (seriously, shaming someone for not getting around as much as you think they should is just as ugly as slut shaming someone else; there is no such thing as too few or too many partners if one is going about their business in a healthy way), sometimes, it's just for the lulz.
You make some really good points! The story piece was huge for me in high school and college. I wanted some good things to tell my friends!
ReplyDeleteIt is totally valid to not take sex seriously. I think that my friend was more asking about why have sex with disrespectful people when you don't technically have to. BUT point made!
Oops, super late reply, sorry.
DeleteI was totally answering in line with your point. Like, yes, I get the logic of not rewarding bad behaviour with access to my body. Totally with you/your friend on that one. With that, I mostly think the idea is a bit pointless.
Withholding sex outright from guys who are jerks rarely means those guys don't get laid. They just go get it from someone else who will, unfortunately, be more likely to actively reinforce their bad behaviour by giving them more than just sex. If a guy I want to bang is disrespectful to me, I can easily get mine and then go away until either I get less annoyed or he learns that treating me properly will result in more frequent sex.
I totally do not get the logic of staying in any sort of real relationship with someone who is actively shitty to you, like your friend's friend in the OP. But at that point, we're getting into the realm of "why do people stay with their abusers," rather than "why do we sometimes hook up with jerks." And there's all sorts of psychological syndrome stuff around that one.
Yeah, that is true. I guess I wasn't thinking of it that way. Good points!
ReplyDelete