300 Sandwiches does not = Magical Commitment of Love

I thought that I might not have anything to write on the blog this week. I have been feeling a bit allergy-riffic, which kind of takes the energy and the anger out of me. Both of those are usually required for me to write a post. To be fair, curiosity usually plays a role in there too. And then this article came across my desk, and I was ready for some typing action!

This week, Stephanie Smith penned an article in which she explains her 300 sandwich project. This is not her making 300 sandwiches for individuals who are homeless or for children who cannot afford school lunches or for people who have escaped domestic violence situations. This project follows her process as she makes 300 sandwiches for her boyfriend, in order to prove that she is wife material, so he will marry her. Apparently, this project came about through an off-handed remark that he made about her being 300 sandwiches away from an engagement ring. He is even quoted as saying, “Make me a sandwich,” to his ever-hopeful, potential future fiancé in the morning.  

Normally, I try to stay relatively neutral on my blog posts. (Okay, neutral-ish, sort of.) I want this blog to be exploratory and a conversation starter. However, I am really struggling with this one, because I want to tell her to RUN AWAY FROM THIS DUDE. But, okay let's be more exploratory. On the one hand, we do need to support our significant others, and feeding them is one way to do that. Also, if you like cooking and express your love through food, I am totally on board with you. On the other hand, if someone is using a task to see if you measure up as a partner, then we have a problem. Love does not ever translate to the equation of making sandwiches (or losing weight, cleaning house, speaking less, agreeing more, having children, bowing down, etc.) = getting the magical engagement ring of commitment. If this comes up in your relationship, it might be time to be honest with yourself and to ask if this person celebrates who you are. Do they truly love YOU or who they can mold you into? A question we must always ask ourselves in all of our relationships. 

A part of me is hoping this is joke. I want this to be true for her sake. I want her to be in a healthy, supportive relationship. I want that for everyone! I just don’t think that making 300 sandwiches is the way to get one. 

-          Lauren, incredibly perplexed by this whole situation   

Why Will We have Sex with Just Anyone?

This post is inspired by a conversation that I had with a friend this week. She was talking about how people harp on her for not having more sexual partners, while she watches these same people consistently have sex with individuals who don’t support them. She gave an example of a highly successful woman with whom she works. This woman is having a casual sexual relationship with a married man who consistently makes very public, disparaging remarks about her weight and her personality. This is something that the woman would never put up with from her friends, but she completely lets slide with her sexual partner. After sharing the story, my friend just asked me, “Why do we have sex with people who make no damn sense, especially when we have such sophisticated vibrator and dildo technology?” 

She asks a very interesting question. Why do we sleep with people who we know aren’t on our level (Emotionally, physically, socially, spiritually, etc.)? Maybe they aren’t particularly nice to us. Maybe we aren’t totally physically attracted to them. Maybe they don’t perform the kind of sex acts that we like. Maybe they use words, like, “Vajayjay” and, “Bro.” Maybe their lives are kind of a mess. There could be any multitude of things that they do which irks us or makes them not quite dating material or even friend material. Yet we end up having sex with them anyway. So why is sex different?

According to the well-researched and well-written book, “Why women have sex: Women reveal the truth about their sex lives,” by Drs. Cindy Meston and David Buss PhD, there are a bunch of different reasons why. We could be celebrating and seeking reward. We could be angry and seeking revenge. We could be stressed and seeking release. We could be feeling sexy that day. We could be in the mood for a challenge. We could be bored. We could be in love. We could be in lust. For every individual in every sexual encounter, there is a different motivation. 

Now, this doesn’t necessarily answer my friend’s question about settling. So I am going to put that question to y’all. Have you ever had sex with someone who you would never be friends with or date? What motivated you to do so?

-          Lauren, currently curious about sexual motivations

Writing under MY OWN Name

You might have noticed a change in my profile name. No, I did not get married (yet); I stopped using my pen name. You see, my boss and our higher-ups thought that the world could not handle a youth empowerment professional who would also write about sexual empowerment. They were afraid that there would be major backlash if anyone found out, especially since our program is state funded. Frankly, I was afraid that I might get fired if my blog was discovered and traced back to me. I would be another sacrificial lamb to the conservative powers that be, who want to deny that young people and sexuality could ever go together. They would believe that I would go around telling every youth that I worked with about the best vibrators to use or the best sexual positions for G spot access. They would never think that I could separate the two. They would also never believe that I could do youth engagement work without fielding a billion questions about sex.

So I wrote under a fake name, and I always felt icky about it. Lauren Bradley got to have honest, fun discussions about sexual health, and I, Lauren Cohen, had to take a back seat. Last December when I did a performance on fetish wear, I felt an enormous amount of (self-induced) pressure to do Lauren Bradley proud. It was my first big event as her, and she needed to shine. I couldn’t completely be myself, someone who is awkward sometimes but who wears that awkwardness well.

All of that changed this week. I left my job to start an internship, one that does not care about my blogging exploits.  Using my real name has been awesome! You wouldn’t think that would make a difference, but it really does! I feel freer to be myself and to have more ownership over my blog. Pink Glitter and Brass Knuckles gets to be 100% Lauren Cohen, every week, all of the time. I am really proud and excited about that. 

Have you ever made a seemingly small change that felt like a larger one? What was it, and how did it change you?

   

-          Lauren COHEN, female sexual empowerment blogger!

Let's Get Cliterate!

This week, we are talking about the clitoris. Why? There is still little known about the clitoris, despite research dating back to the seventeenth century, which shows its central significance to female orgasm. I find that tragic and unacceptable, and I am not alone. Sophia Wallace, an artist out of New York City, has taken it upon herself to spread the cliteracy message. In an interview with the Huffington Post, Ms. Wallace states that, “Even as the female body is the primary metaphor for sexuality…the clitoris is virtually invisible.” There is no conversation around the clitoris and no connection made between the clitoris and sexual pleasure. This is hugely problematic, because most women are orgasmic through clitoral stimulation. Many women are left to feel broken, because they cannot climax through vaginal sex alone, a myth perpetuated by society, film, and pornography. According to Ms. Wallace, “It’s insane to me that this is still happening in 2013.” Her use of multi-media images and interactive sculptures were created to drop some scientific clitoral facts into our everyday sex conversations. I especially like her piece on 100 rules of cliteracy and the giant golden clit rodeo. You can find out more about her brilliant work here.

To support her work and expand the conversation, I thought that I would drop some fun clitoral facts too:

1. The clitoris has over 8000 nerve fibers, more than anywhere else on the body and twice as many as the penis. AND it is the only organ wholly dedicated to pleasure. (From Woman: An Intimate Geography by Natalie Angier)
2. The glans of the clitoris (or button as some refer to it) is only 1/10th of the entire clitoris. Connected by the shaft, the rest of the clitoris, which looks like a wishbone, lies beneath the skin of the vulva and is called the crura. This part of the clitoris will swell to almost twice its size during arousal. (From Bonk by Mary Roach)
3. The clitoris is usually compared to the head of the penis, which is not entirely accurate. It has more nerve endings and contains no urethra. However, if it is not cleaned properly, it can create a hard, cheese-like substance called smegma, much like the head of an uncircumcised penis. (From Woman: An Intimate Geography by Natalie Angier)
4. Like the inner and outer labia, each clitoris is different. They vary in exact size, shape, protrusion, and distance from the vaginal opening. (From Bonk by Mary Roach)
5. Clitoral stimulation is not the only way a woman can achieve an orgasm. There are women who can think themselves into orgasm, who can climax by having their nipples tweaked, who can orgasm through neck massages. It just happens to be a damn good way for a lot of women to climax. (From Bonk by Mary Roach)

I hope that this sparks some conversation with friends and partners. I also hope it inspires some exploration. We could use some more cliteracy in this world!

- Lauren, supporter or all things cliterate!