Oops, I forgot to plan my wedding from the age of four.

When I was little, I never thought about what kind of wedding I would have. I never played dress-up with a veil and my mother’s shoes. I don’t remember ever making my Barbie’s get married. (Yes, I had Barbie’s. That might have been to my mother’s chagrin.) I never had a wedding scrapbook or pictures of what I wanted to look like on my wedding day. I wanted to be a psychologist and an actress. I guess that a wedding felt like small potatoes compared to my life goals. 

As I got into my early to mid-twenties, I just assumed that I would never get married. I have a big personality, and I was dating people who couldn’t, “Handle” me. Plus, I had a life to sort out. I was always focused on moving to a new city, or figuring out my career, or finding the next step in my life. I could deal with marriage and wedding questions later. That was for older Lauren to figure out. 

Well, now I am older and feeling more stable, and I am in a solid, wonderful relationship. A BUNCH of my friends are getting married, so SOMETIMES I think about marriage and a wedding. Let me just tell you that this stuff is more complicated than I ever thought it could be. I don’t know if I believe in marriage as an institution. I don’t know what marriage means to me. I don’t know if I would want to change my last name. I don’t know if I am suddenly someone else’s daughter. That doesn’t even cover a wedding. Do I want something small and casual, or small and formal, or big and casual, or big and formal? Do I want a ceremony? Should small children be invited? Are seating charts necessary? AHHHHHHHHHHH!!! 

Basically, I missed my training ground in childhood, and now I am left to ponder all of this stuff as an adult, when it actually means something. How did y’all wade through the vortex that is marriage and a wedding? Or what are the questions that you are currently working through? 

-          Lauren, one confused non-bride living in a married world

Wow, THAT was fucked up.

I am sure that many of you have seen the reactions to the Steubenville rape trial, where two male high school football students were convicted of raping a female student. People have been all over the place. Some have been asking for more jail time for the rapists. A large majority have been dismissive of their actions as boys having fun. It was Henry Rollins who made the excellent point that these males do not live in a bubble, and it is our society that has created an environment where rape is allowed to happen over, and over, and over again. We don’t take sexual assault seriously, and we consistently blame the survivor. 

I became acutely aware of this last week, when I was in Portland for vacation. I somehow managed to catch a cold, so my boyfriend and I were in our host apartment attempting to nap, when I heard an insistent knock on the door across the hall. A group of people identified themselves as Crisis Responders, and they requested to speak to the woman inside, who I will call T. The first person spoke very broadly about how T might be thinking about hurting herself, and the team would like to talk to her. The next voice came from the police officer on the team. She said, “T, we were told that you need to file a police report, because you were assaulted last night. We really need to talk to you about that.” She went on a bit about filing. The woman refused to answer the door, so the police officer continued, “Look T, if you are tired of hearing my voice, then there are some handsome men in the hallway who would like to speak with you.” The woman refused to answer the door, so they left their card and walked away.

Let’s think about this for a second. This is a (probable) rape survivor (considering that she is a female who has been traumatized), AND A MEMBER OF THE CRISIS TEAM JUST TOLD EVERYONE and then INVITED HER TO SPEAK WITH STRANGE MEN IN THE HALLWAY! What the fuck? I just can’t. 

We have to change. When the people who are directly responding to rape survivors don’t take it seriously and don’t treat survivors with respect, then EVERYTHING must shift IMMEDIATELY.   

    

-          Lauren, Innocent bystander turned grievance filer

 

I don’t want kids. Now, what do we talk about?

After lots of thought and careful consideration, I have decided that I don’t ever want to have children. The problem is that NO ONE BELIEVES ME. They say that I am too young to make that decision. (I am 29 by the way.) They tell me that my ovaries will start kicking my uterus at 33, and there will be no looking back. Some people say that I need to find the right man. He will make my fallopian tubes sing, and I will just need to have a baby. Others say that my life will be unfulfilled and empty without children, like I have nothing else to offer this world. (Why don’t you just ask me why I bother even being a female if I am not going to have babies? Because that is what you really mean.) Some people say that I could just adopt, and they are totally right. I could adopt and skip the whole childbearing process that way. Yippee! But not being able to fit into my pants and feeling my labia rip open are not the only reasons why I do not want to have kids. 

The thing is that I just don’t want to be a parent. I am happy for others who choose to procreate, adopt, surrogate birth, or whatever child-getting process is happening right now. You go forth and raise those kids! Seriously, I don’t know how you do it. Deep down, I don’t want to be responsible for another human being until the day I die. It’s too much for me, and I am woman enough to admit it. And this is after I have gotten older, found a great boyfriend, and settled into a house. I just don’t have that need. And if the urge ever does arise, I will politely remind my uterus that it does not control me; I own it. That’s how this whole thing works. Host = Decision maker. 

So please the next time any female says that she does not want kids, respect that decision instead of berating her with wicked comments. It is hard enough to be a female in this society without us cutting each other down about baby stuff. DAMN!

Has anyone else dealt with this problem? How did you handle it? 

-          Lauren, Parent supporter but not parent(er)     

There goes the term, "Lad(ies)".

Today, I let go of the term, “Lady.” Some of you are probably wondering why I ever used the term in the first place. It doesn’t seem like something I would say. Well, the truth is that I never really thought about it. Sometimes I use the term in a super ironic way toward myself. As in, “Excuse me sir, you cannot say that to me, because I am a lady. So go fuck yourself.” Sometimes I would use it toward my super radical friends, usually for my own amusement. I didn’t examine the word in-depth or really process what it meant. I just thought that it was funny. 

Until this week, when this comic started circulating on Facebook (I don’t have an original link):

And my language came crashing down around me. My only thought was, “Oh good god, I can never use the term ladies again, because this is some serious BULLSHIT. And I don’t want to be a part of the problem.” The problem being that people still believe that women should only be ladies, ie superficial Barbie robots,  who only smile and wave with no worries, or problems, or enthusiasm ready to serve you at any time. Not real people with brains, feelings, opinions, or even facial expressions. God forbid we even sweat, or fart, or curse. BARF. 

I can’t even use, “Ladies,” in an ironic way anymore. It’s not even funny. It’s just crappy. So I’m done with it. “Ladies,” I abjure you from my vocabulary.

Have you guys ever come across a term that you had to break up with? If so, what was it, and what were the circumstances that led to the erasing?

-          Lauren, “Lady” no more