Why do we lose ourselves when we are with someone?

This week I want to talk about keeping yourself while you are in a relationship. By keeping yourself, I mean meeting your needs even when you are with someone. You do what you need to do in order to remain healthy and happy. We all have these needs that are exclusive from our partner, whether it is to have some quiet time alone or to spend a few evenings a week with friends. We all have things that we like to do on our own. When we get into relationships, sometimes these things fall away. Maybe we want to please our partners. Maybe we want to spend all of our time with our partners. Maybe we have a hard time balancing everything. (Can I get an amen?) Whatever your situation may be, suddenly you have lost the things that keep you whole. 

This is a really difficult position to be in. I have fallen into this pattern often. In the past, after a relationship has ended, I have spent entire days doing only things that I want to do, and I remember what I have been missing. I was so busy trying to be with them; I forgot to be with me. It is a vicious cycle, because it becomes harder and harder to pull away and make time for yourself. And yet, this is exactly what you need to do.

With my current partner, I do what makes me happy, even if it does not include him. I have been very honest with my needs, which was difficult at first, because I did not want to hurt his feelings. I did it for me, and he has been very respectful of my needs. He doesn’t give me a guilt trip if I need a night alone. He appreciates that I need to dance with my friends. He understands that I like to quietly read in coffee shops. My partner gets me and respects me, so he supports my singular activities. Everyone deserves that. 

We need to be strong in our relationships and to not forget our needs, and we must find partners who respect those needs. Otherwise, we lose ourselves, which is tragic because we are all pretty awesome. So think about where you are in your relationship or where you want to be in your next one. Make sure that you are celebrated and supported for doing the things that make you, you!

Lauren, Keeper of herself in relationships