Changing the Conversation about Sex with Pizza!

I have been looking for TED Talks to feature on this blog for awhile, and I haven’t been super excited about most of the ones that have been posted. (Where are all of the talks about how to build a better vibrator, ay?) Then I came across this presentation by Al Vernacchio. In it, he argues for a new conversation about sex, especially with young people. Mr. Vernacchio would like for us to move past the competitive, baseball sex metaphors of striking out and winning to one that focuses on the inclusive, internal metaphors of pizza. This seems like a very small switch, but it is actually kind of brilliant. It moves the sex conversation to one that is internally-focused, communal, and desire-driven. That is something that we miss in our typical what-base-did-you-get-to sex conversations, especially when we are younger. Check out his talk!

I hope this idea catches on. I am ready for a bigger, better sex conversation. If pizza helps us get there, then all hail the almighty pizza! 

What metaphor would you use to start the sex conversation?

- Lauren, supporter of pizza-related sex chats

Deciding to get an Abortion can be Complicated

This week, I met with a woman who had an abortion, and I was reminded that deciding to get one can be really complicated. I don’t mean the hoops that women must jump through to get an abortion, and there are a lot of them now (at least in Texas), including finding a clinic that can actually perform one, dealing with their waiting period, listening to the “scientific” complications spiel, and going through the detailed sonogram process. That stuff is problematic in itself. The complications that I am talking about are the emotions that can come up when going through the abortion process. Everybody feels differently about their abortion; there is no one story or one right reaction. However, there is a prevailing message that each side has presented. Liberals talk about abortion as a strictly medical procedure and how empowering it can be; conservatives talk about abortion as a shameful process always connected with regret. When we promote this type of limited, splitting rhetoric, we are missing the many layers of feeling that can come with deciding to get an abortion. While we should not use those feelings as a reason to limit access, we do need to acknowledge them in a big way. 

The woman who I met with felt like getting an abortion was right for her. She is not ready to be a mother; her life is in transition, and she knows that she is not financially stable enough to care for another human. She told me that she knows that she made a good decision, and yet she also felt some sadness about it. She said that she was surprised to feel upset; she felt like a bad feminist for being sad.  

It was that statement that broke my heart and made me realize that we are not having the right conversations about abortion. When we boil something as complicated as this down to a strictly medical procedure or only a shameful process, we do everyone a disservice, because we miss everything in between.

What would you like to add to the abortion conversation?

- Lauren, pro-choice advocate who would like to add feelings into the chatter      

I am really ready for a HUMAN movement.

I was going to use this post as a call for a humanist movement, but then I learned that humanism is more of a philosophical view of individual human agency versus deity power. That is not what I am going for here! Instead, I will call for a human movement, which is an all inclusive movement to push forth a better life for everyone. Honestly, I am tired of watching movements stall over labels and names. The question becomes who gets to be the face of the movement rather than what will the movement accomplish. Visibility and collectiveness are really important, so we have to think bigger. Let’s have one giant human (or humyn) movement instead of little ones, where everyone has space to participate and move the work forward!

In order to get the human movement started, I have thought of a few things that could be included in the manifesto. The human movement will fight for all humans to:

• Live the life that they wish to live
• Love whomever(s) they choose with full legal/financial rights
• Achieve whichever career (inside or outside of the home) that they would like; and this career should pay them at least a true living wage
• Participate in safe, embracing communities that offer them enrichment opportunities
• Feel comfort in expressing their best selves, even if that self does not fit prescribed social norms
• Have equity in the education system, including an affordable higher education system
• Dwell in healthy environments that promote wellness
• Have access to a truly fair criminal justice system
• Connect with social services as they wish and as they need with no penalties for using them

That is just the start of the human movement manifesto. Is it super far-fetched right now? Hell yes! I am not a Pollyanna who thinks this work will happen overnight. That is not what I am arguing. I am saying that I would like to see a larger, less fractured human movement with more inclusiveness and power. It is time for things to change in a big way.

What would you add to the manifesto?

  

- Lauren, human movement supporter

How do You see Your Vulva?

I have been thinking about how we connect to our vulvas this week. How do women see their vulvas? What images come to mind? Are we still struggling with our acceptance of our own body parts? (I use vulva on purpose, because it includes the external female genital organs, not just the vagina. More mainstream dialogue uses the terms interchangeably.) I am reminded of this struggle every time I see reruns of Sex and The City; there is one particular episode where Charlotte shares that she thinks her vulva is ugly. Obviously, Charlotte is a fictional character, but I think that she speaks for a lot of people. When I was in college, my friends and I used to say that we believed oral sex was more intimate than vaginal sex, because our partner had to be, “Down there, up close and personal,” with our vulvas. I have to think that part of that perspective comes from some vulva shame.

I have worked hard to move past this part of the internalized oppression that comes along with being a female in American society. We are taught that our vulvas should smell like summer rain and should look like perfectly symmetrical, clean, little flowers. It can take years for us to realize that shit is unfair, unrealistic, and dumb. Part of my journey to acceptance came from reading Eve Ensler’s Vagina Monologues.  In the book, she asks women how they see their vaginas (although I am guessing she meant vulvas). Some women thought of their vulvas like change purses or vacuums. Others thought of a fuzzy, warm place. Everyone had a different perspective on what their vulva is like. What an eye opening experience! I had never thought about how I see my vulva. I don’t exactly remember the first image that came to mind. Right now, I see my vulva as a powerful weapon with laser beams that could take down entire cities, which speaks to the extreme political frustration, potent rebellion, and serious creative power that I have been feeling lately. All of that is centered in my image of my vulva, which I see as a beautiful, important part of myself.

How do you see your vulva? Has that image changed over the years?

 

- Lauren, whose vulva can take down cities with just one blow

Conservative Politicians: if you really want to "protect" women, legalize sex work!

I think that 2013 should be referred to as, “The year where conservative, patriarchal politicians tried to protect women (from themselves and everyone else).” Clearly this is a sham argument meant to pad opposition while they limit reproductive rights, women’s freedom, choice, liberty but let’s go with it. Politicians want to protect women? Fine, you really care about vaginas? Prove it. I want every politician who filed a bill limiting abortion access to also file a bill to legalize sex work. Not because abortion = sex work, BUT because if you are really going to “protect” women, then offer true political support to people who deserve legal rights, fair wages, fair work practices, safety, and legitimacy in society.* Sex workers cannot access these things right now simply because their profession is not legally recognized as acceptable work, which is total bullshit. (And just to clarify, I do not mean pass laws to regulate sex work, which can be problematic. I mean pass laws to de-criminalize sex work that involves consenting adults, not trafficking, forced sex work, or underage sex work.) 

In case conservative politicians need reasons as to why sex work should be legalized, I have helpfully compiled a short list that they can add onto as they feel so moved. The list is pulled together from information presented by the International Union of Sex Workers, the Prostitutes Collective, and the Sex Worker Open University. 

1. History - It is 2014. Sex work has been around since before Jesus Christ was born. I think that it is about time we all get on board.
2. Safety – First, let’s recognize that not all sex workers experience violence. The ones who do have little legal recourse against their perpetrator, leaving them vulnerable.
3. Fair Labor Practices – Legalizing sex work would give individuals more leverage (legal and otherwise) to fight employers who may otherwise exploit them.
4. Inclusiveness – Society has given sex workers unfounded and unfair labels. It is time we put our shaming behaviors aside and treat sex workers with respect as humans and community members.
5. Access to social and health services – For those who need it, reaching out to services can be difficult, due to the legal issues associated with sex work.  
6. Taxes - In case the human reasons are not compelling enough, let’s go with money. If sex work were to become legal, sex workers would pay taxes on their earned wages, since they would be able to claim it as income. This means more money for everyone.

What other reasons would you add to this list?

- Lauren, sex worker ally

*I know that not all sex workers are women. I am using an argument that conservative politicians created that they clearly only applied to women. I would expand my argument to include transgender individuals and men; that might also explode their brains. It’s a delicate balance.