Let's Talk about Trauma Before having Sex!

Last week, my friend shared a story that sparked a major idea. She relayed a situation that another friend of ours had gotten into. Our friend had been on a few dates with a woman, and they had sex for the first time. During their sexual encounter, the woman began to talk in the voice of a small child. After they finished, she ran away and hid in a closet for a few hours. Some people will read this account and think, “Oh shit. That girl is crazy,” which is dismissive, dehumanizing, and typical. People who understand trauma would think, “Oh shit. That woman has been traumatized. She had a flashback during this sexual encounter, re-experienced a previous traumatic sexual assault, and she could not bring herself back to the present experience. I hope that she gets some help,” which is the trauma-informed, compassionate way of looking at this situation. 

It is becoming more normal in the mental health world to talk about trauma these days. We are recognizing how adverse experiences can deeply affect an individual and how to understand responses to traumatic situations. According to the National Child Traumatic Stress Network, there are several types of experiences that could be traumatic, like surviving sexual assault, a natural disaster, bullying, domestic violence, surgery, school violence, or a car accident. People react to these traumatic experiences in different ways. Some people externalize their feelings, becoming more impulsive, hyper vigilant, physically ill. Some may internalize their feelings, becoming more emotionally withdrawn or explosive. Others might be triggered by a particular situation and have a flashback to their traumatic experience, like in the situation mentioned above. The responses vary from person to person. 

I would like to see these conversations start to trickle into our communications with our sexual partners. We might ask our partners about whether or not they have tested positive for sexually transmitted infections, what types of toys they like to experiment with, or what their preferred positions are. It is not as typical to ask someone about their trauma history, and that needs to change. Traumatic experiences can greatly affect how someone relates to sex and sexual partners, as illustrated by my friend’s story. Asking someone if they have ever felt emotionally or physically unsafe during sex might save both partners from re-living a traumatic experience. It could also open the doors to an honest conversation, which is the responsibility of everyone involved.

What do you think? Have you ever asked a partner about any traumatic sexual experiences that they have had? What happened when you did?  

- Lauren, proponent of trauma-informed sexual health conversations